Saturday, May 22, 2010

Perfect Day

Today has the potential to be the perfect day. I was allowed to sleep in until a luxurious 7:59, got up and drank my coffee while I picked up and disinfected some stuff, put some laundry away and got myself dressed. I am typing sitting at our bay window in the kitchen while the strong sunshine penetrates and dissipates the dense fog, the sky is blue with fluffy clouds, and a light breeze is picking up.

I've got plants in pots calling to me. I have two cute critters, one in a sun dress and one in a Little Mermaid outfit. It's probably not that warm out, but they've got coats. We will go outside and soak the sunshine up!

Later I have a Tastefully Simple party where I will gorge myself on beer bread and watermelon slushy drinks. One last relaxing weekend before I start my next two classes! Ahhhhhh!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Sick Kids

Emily has been persistently disgusting since early this year. A smokers cough, a spicket of a nose that leaks slimy slug-like snot, and weepy eyes. Being almost two, and surrounded by other disgusting tiny creatures such as herself at the sitter's, I have just been chalking it up to the regular germs. Along with the fact that she can still travel at light speed with all this going on. There were 2 glorious weeks in April where she was pristine, not a booger in sight. But that didn't last long. We began to think it was allergies because of the mostly colorless leakage and persistence, and the fact that none of us, including her sister seemed to be catching what she had.

So then the whole second guessing takes place. Do I take her to the doctor? Keep her home from the sitter? Keep an eye on it? Force feed her vegetables and vitamins? Get her out in fresh air? Keep her bundled up laying low on the couch watching Super Why?

But then a note from the sitter, who, poor thing, is 9 months pregnant. Could we make sure the girls were in good health before we brought them? She was sick with what Emy had, and she didn't want any more illness. She also stated that it isn't allergies because all the snot was green, and that 13 people became sick later.

Defensive Mommy goes to, "So what you're saying is that I'm a bad parent for failing to recognise this as sickness, not taking care of my kid, and infecting everyone else?" And of course I look at all the other lovely sweet germ balls who have recently thrown up and had fevers, and wonder how many of them were asked to stay home?

More rational mommy knows that it sucks to be that pregnant and miserably sick, I love the job this woman does, that my two demons are a handful anyway, and that getting to the bottom of this via doctors visits probably isn't a bad idea anyway.

So Jeremy took her to the doctor. Strangest thing, she had a small fever! She was all high spirits, piss and vinegar today! It appears to be all sinus but not severe, and could be aggravated by allergies. She's going to an allergist next week. Poor Emy!

I still have not decided how to deal with these hurt feelings when I speak to the sitter. I want to say "but, but, but, how did she infect you and everyone else and not her own family, the snot IS clear, REALLY, and what about all the other kids?!" But this will not be productive. I just hope my children are not ostracized because "they spread infections". I get backed up if I hear a kid is sick there, but then I shrug and say "bring it on", the more infections now, the more the antibodies later! My gut is saying this is something else, and regardless of how I, or other people feel, I have learned to trust it above everything else.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

My Big Baby is 4!

The Princess has turned four! I cannot believe it! Words cannot describe how much I love her!
Here she is with a new birthday dress and shoes!

Opening her presents. New PINK chucks!

The pirates had stolen all Addie's presents and hidden them in the yard. Fortunately, we found a treasure map to help us find them!

Addie and Emily frosted the cake... I helped... Can you tell?

Making cupcakes for the school celebration!

Despite the lack luster planning, hectic schedule, and general everyday chaos, the birthday was a success! She felt loved and special, as any princess should!


I did get a call back from the Principal about the coaching position. We will meet next week for an interview, so I'll keep you posted! I would enjoy that postition a lot I think.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Fear and Loathing

I finally finished my class, but the accomplishment has been overshadowed by my growing apprehension that it was in vain because there appears to be a rapid decline in Social Studies jobs. And I'm still facing down the barrel of two geography courses this summer, of which I have no inkling of what they will be like. Will they be labor intensive like these last two courses? A lot of homework? Scheduled lecture times you have to be online? I guess I shouldn't worry about it, but take it as it comes. If I could just get my brain to listen to that advice!

There are no jobs, and I feel trapped in a system that is rife with nepotism, where it's not what you know, but who you know. At least it feels like that. I have a little piggy in the door because a few teachers have taken note, request me as their sub, and have offered to be a reference, but if there are no jobs they can't help.

There were these jobs posted that were 1/2 teaching and 1/2 activities director, and I hemmed and hawed about whether that's what I wanted, and two weeks after being posted online, they were gone, I had missed my chance to apply. I called just to check to see if it was too late, and left a message, but have not received a call back. I jumped on a coaching position I heard would be open, I've heard my stuff is floating around and people have seen it, but my phone call was not returned, once again. Isn't it still common courtesy to at least return people's phone calls and let them know?

The confidence I have in my ability to teach is weakened by all this, because that annoying little voice says, "If you're really that good, why don't you have a real teaching job?" I know, I wish I could shut that little bastard up, but it's so persistent! I want to whine to the world, "But, I'm really awesome! Just give me a chance!"

Then, there is the other little voice that says, "What kind of a mother, and person, are you, that you are not happy with all the blessings you have?" Why do I base so much of my self worth on the fact that I'm "just a sub" and I don't have a "real" job? Shouldn't I be happy that I'm able to spend more time of these precious years with my children?

I just have this fear that my energy and passion are being wasted not doing what I'm meant to do, what I love to do. Not that I don't love raising my little girls, and it has been luxurious being able to say, "No, I'm not going to work today, I'm going to spend time with my babies because they need me!"

I know this: it is not worth it to just get a job, any job, for the sake of working. History, and the social sciences is what I am passionate about and what I want to teach, and subbing is about as far from that as I'm willing to go. If I can't teach full time then that is what I will do, so that I can make the most out of those opportunities to spend time with my family. Which I do enjoy, really!

The other option is to create my own circumstances and take advantage of opportunities, like I did in MA with the case manager position. I fell into that job, and was allowed to create it into what I wanted and I really thrived at it. I discovered I could be creative, and I felt I was making a difference and was valued. What does that look like here? Is there a market for education consultants? Or a tutoring business? How do I get out of the public education system I'm trapped in (or kept out of, in this case) and create my own opportunities?