Friday, January 6, 2012

We need a little...

The song "We need a little Christmas, right this very minute..." keeps running through my head, but instead of the word "Christmas", it should be something else.  Christmas is over, and I'm good with that, but there seems to be something lacking.

So maybe it's PMA, but that's three words and doesn't quite fit.  Positive mental attitude.  Which I am attempting to find for my new years resolution thing.  I would like to attract more positive energy into my life, but I need to put out what I want to get back.  This is according to Wayne Dyer, author of "The Power of Intention."  I love that idea, that I can manifest my destiny, pulling all I need from the universe by putting out what I want.  It has worked brilliantly in the past for me.

I'm feeling a little desperate, which is not what I want to attract.  I want to send out good Karma to get good Karma back.  I want to find my groove.  I've lost my groove.

When working with resistant learners in my job, my mantra is that they are somebody's baby.  And if it were my baby, I'd want me to be kind to her.  It's difficult when I am repeating the same things over and over again, and am disappointed when they do not do their work, do not pay attention, or do not act respectfully.  I am struggling with this.  I want to put out that I have a great rapport with these students and can help them to accomplish their goals.

With my coaching, I want to be a positive influence, and guide them to work hard for what they want and work together.  But yesterday at practice, it was such a fail, and I feel then that I failed.  I must be patient and repeat how to deal with and prevent drama within the team.  Again.  I want to put out that we are a strong, smart, hardworking team that people look up to.  I want to be proud of them.

With my parenting, this morning was all off.  We always end up yelling at our children and becoming frustrated when we have to do things for them because there is no time for them to do it themselves.  The look on my daughter's face this morning broke my heart, and I yelled at my husband, blaming him, but it is me too.  I want to put out there that we have it all together, our morning routine works like a charm, and when it doesn't I can concentrate on what is truly important instead of being worried about being late.

And finally, I'm up in the air about next year.  There are so many unknowns, like how this baby will be and how easy or difficult it will be to care for her or feed her.  What will this mean for me getting a job next year?  I really want one, really, really bad.  I'm so desperate that I'm putting out there that I'll never get one, frustrated that there are no postings yet, no signs, no chatter of possibilities.  And what will I do if I don't get a teaching job?  Will I be aiding again?  Is that what I want to do?  I want to be rolling in possibilites.  Actually, I want a social studies teaching position with my own classroom at the school I aid and coach at now.

Because all this stuff is not falling into place easily, I swing back and forth from feeling hopeless to feeling angry and frustrated, and kind of panicky.  I should be putting out to the universe that I have everything that I need to accomplish my goals, that I am capable and confident in my ability and the universe's ability to care for me.

So I need a little groove back, right this very minute!


trinity_ray said...

There's a lot here Chrissy. All I can say is that everyone experiences doubt, fear and uncertainty. We're all hopeless and imperfect. No one ever has it "together" as much as they appear to have it together. Revel in the beautiful. Every moment is a new opportunity and they are fleeting. We love you.

chrissyrudd said...

Thanks Trinity!