I miss myself. Ever since I had kids I have not been able to have an uninterrupted thought or any inner dialog worth anything, I'm constantly listening to my surroundings, for a cry from my kids. This is especially true when it comes to meditating on something important or praying. Praying usually goes like this..."Hey God, hows it going? Thanks for my kids and husband, oh Emily just puked on me there goes my clean shirt, its really the only one left that's nice that my bossum still fits into that I can wear to church... church, yeah, okay, God, please help me to remember to do laundry as soon as I get home because I don't have anymore clothes to wear for tomorrow I go volunteer at the school I used to work and wear professional clothes I wish I could wear now with the cute fall fashion like the ones in the magazines that I can't afford did I pay the electric bill how much do we have in savings we should put some into savings for the girls how will we pay for college Addies trying to get out of the pew my child is the loudest today why are we here what was the sermon about?" And most of this is broken into several other tangents and I can't concentrate or hear what my brain is telling me. I used to be able to connect with my body, concentrate on a novel, think of witty comebacks, have a conversation. No longer. My only hope is for the clarity that will come after the hormones wear off from breastfeeding. There was a really clear difference last time, I felt like a new woman! Until then, I have discovered a solution.
I was in the studio offering moral support to my husband as he worked. I don't much understand what exactly he does until he's done, and then I can't really explain what it is, but by then I can say "look, there it is!" He was explaining to me about making our daughter's big girl bed and he wanted me to be part of the process and then the glaze happened and I was off thinking about that time I went to have a pedicure... then he hands me the ear muffs.
When I put them on I couldn't hear anything externally. I felt like I was cocooned from the world. I could hear my hearbeat, the vibrations from my feet hitting the floor when I walked, the click of my spine when I turned my head, (is it supposed to do that?) my breathing. By eliminating one of my senses I could talk to myself a bit more.
So I wish I could wear these all the time!